Lessons and carols

Yesterday had me asking a question I really never thought that I would have to ask. "What is the proper etiquette for when your baby's diaper leaks all over your friend's couch?" And not just a little leak. One of those when everything comes out of the top of the diaper. So the fluffy cushion and I are both covered in poop. Covered. And I have to say to my friend, who has kindly invited us for lunch so Audrey and her daughter can play, "Uhm, Vivienne's diaper has leaked all over your couch." And she is so gracious. And this kind of makes me want to melt into the floor even more because I would have been freaking out if it were my couch, and in fact, I am sort of panicked about her couch. So I clean up myself and Vivienne. She cleans up the couch. We have lunch. I profusely apologize. I feel sick about it.

After the playdate, I feel that I must run my errands that I didn't get to before the playdate because of course I was late. Driving down the road, I look down at my hand, and I realize that there is poop on my hand. I forgot to wash my hand after I cleaned everything. I am gross. I am out of wipes. I feel sick about it.

We stop at Babies R Us. The parking lot is full because it is attached to a Toys R Us, and it is Christmas. I spot an empty place for expectant mothers. Well, they don't really need such a close spot, I justify to myself, really, it is the moms with little babies who are now screaming and must run their errands that deserve them. I am racing in with a screaming baby and a poopy hand, dragging Audrey along, when I hear someone calling me. It is my very kind, beautiful friend who is pregnant with her first child. She is shopping with her husband and mother-in-law for her baby's things. She introduces me to her mother-in-law, who puts out her hand to shake mine. I can't, I tell her, I am covered with baby poop. Vivienne is still crying. I don't like the image I am projecting. I feel sick about it.

We leave the store with the things we need. Our friends are leaving at the same time. The pregnant lady has to help me with my cart! She sees that I am parked in an expectant mother spot! I pull out of the parking lot. We are now rushing to McDonalds because Audrey needs milk so badly. I am kind of overwhelmed. I have to run these errands. My kids are kind of done. I am not ready for Christmas! I have so much to do. What should I do? These errands for work and home? Take these kids home? When will I do my errands if I go home? I put my head in my hands at the stoplight with a little sob. I look up into my rearview mirror to see the couple from Babies R Us and the mother-in-law in the car behind me. Did they see me breakdown? Okay, now they know I am incompetent. I feel sick about it.

O little town of Bethlehem
how still we see thee lie
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
the silent stars pass by.
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
the everlasting life.
The hopes and fears of all the years
are met in thee tonight.

I am ready for Christmas after all. I am so ready it's ridiculous. I need that baby who was sent to rescue the world and even me. That sick feeling in my belly, the fear of what others think, the ways I fail must be met by that incarnational wonder that happened in Bethlehem so long ago. And a little bit of that deep and dreamless sleep, too, to be honest.

So it’s been a long year
Every new day brings one more tear
Till there’s nothing left to cry
My, my how time flies
Like little children hiding their eyes
We’ll make it disappear
Let’s start a brand new year

Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Salvation army bells are ringing
Darlin’ Christmas is coming
Do you believe in angels singing
Darlin’ the snow is falling
Falling like forgiveness from the sky

If I could have anything
What would I want this new year to bring
Well, I’d want you here with me
Tear these thorns from my heart
Help the healing to start
Let’s set this old world free
Let’s start with you and me

Well, it has been a long year. In the space of a month, my grandfather died, my second daughter was born, and my husband unfairly lost his position at work. We will have been married ten years on New Year's Eve. I see how God has changed us. I see so many thorns made visible by the past months. Set me free. Let me feel the forgiveness fall like snow gently settling on my body bundled in the truth.


Bring me a white horse for Christmas
We’ll ride him through the town
Out into the snowy woods
Where we will both lie down
Underneath white birches
Our faces toward the sky
We will make snow angels
With our white horse standing by

Hush now baby
One day we’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Our white horse through the sky

Bring me a white horse for Christmas
We’ll ride him through the snow
All the way to Bethlehem
2000 years ago
I wanna speak with the angel
Who said do not be afraid
I wanna kneel where the oxen knelt
Where the little child was laid

Hush now baby
One day you’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Your white horse through the sky

No bridle will he be wearing
His unshod hoofs they will fly
Keep a watch out this Christmas
For that white horse in the sky

Hush now baby
One day we’re gonna ride
Hush now baby
Our white horse through the sky
Hush now baby
Let every angel sing
Hush now baby
One day we’ll ride again

I want to spend this Christmas whispering such a lullaby to my little baby. To be telling my little girl about the baby God who came to make it alright. To be singing myself to sleep with a song about the day I look and behold "a white horse! And its rider had a bow, and a crown was given to him, and he came out conquering, and to conquer." (Revelation 6:2) One day when "heaven opened, and behold a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True." (Revelation 19:11) God become man, who sees my life and the world in sin and error pining, appear and "in your majesty ride out victoriously for the cause of truth and meekness and righteousness." (Psalm 45:4)

Note: Second and third carols are taken from Over the Rhine, Snow Angel. All scripture references are ESV.